You know that awkward silence when you're trying to connect with someone new? I froze completely at a networking event last month. My mind went blank searching for decent questions to ask a person to get to know them. All I managed was "So... do you come here often?" Ugh. We've all been there. This isn't about memorizing interview scripts – it's about discovering questions that spark real connection.
After years of coaching communication workshops, I've learned most lists of questions to ask someone to get to know them miss the mark. They're either too surface-level ("What's your favorite color?") or too intense ("What's your deepest childhood trauma?"). Let's fix that with practical strategies that adapt to coffee chats, dates, or workplace introductions.
Why Most "Get to Know You" Questions Fail (And How Yours Won't)
Small talk questions to ask a person to get to know them often backfire because they:
- Trigger autopilot responses ("How are you?" → "Fine")
- Feel like interrogations (rapid-fire questions with no follow-up)
- Ignore context (asking about family at a professional conference)
I learned this the hard way asking a new colleague about weekend plans right after a company layoff announcement. Bad timing. Effective questions share three traits:
The Connection Triad: Good questions to ask a person to get to know them are 1) open-ended 2) context-appropriate and 3) invite storytelling instead of facts.
Timing Matters More Than You Think
Grabbing coffee? Start light. Deep dinner conversation? Go meaningful. Adjust depth like this:
| Relationship Stage | Question Depth Level | Sample Questions |
|---|---|---|
| First meeting (0-10 min) | Surface discovery | "What brought you to this event?" "Noticed your [item] – any story behind it?" |
| Developing rapport (10-30 min) | Interest exploration | "What types of projects energize you at work?" "How'd you get into [hobby]?" |
| Building connection (30+ min) | Values/experiences | "What's been your most rewarding challenge this year?" "Where do you find inspiration?" |
My Go-To Questions That Actually Reveal Personality
Forget "Where are you from?" These questions to ask to get to know someone reveal character through everyday experiences:
Core Personality Revealers
- "What's something you'd happily queue an hour for?" (Passions)
- "Describe your perfect unproductive Saturday" (Values)
- "What book/movie made you rethink something important?" (Influences)
Last Tuesday, I asked the coffee shop regular about his "queue" question. Turns out he drives ninety minutes monthly for specific dumplings – which led to stories about his grandmother's cooking. Way better than asking about his job title.
Work-Specific Question Table
Professional settings need tailored approaches. Avoid tired questions to ask a person to get to know them like "What do you do?"
| Instead of this overused question: | Ask this revealing alternative: |
| "How long have you been with the company?" | "What's surprised you most about working here?" |
| "What's your role?" | "What part of your work feels most 'you'?" |
| "Busy at work?" | "What challenged you in a good way recently?" |
Adapting Questions For Different Scenarios
Questions to ask someone to get to know them need context awareness. What works at a wedding won't fly at a funeral.
Dating Contexts
Bad first date questions feel like job interviews. Skip "What are you looking for?" Try these instead:
- Low-pressure: "If you had to eat one cuisine forever, what would it be?" (Bonus: Follow with "What's the story behind that choice?")
- Revealing: "What's something silly you're secretly competitive about?"
My worst date ever involved grilling someone about future kids. Lesson learned.
Friend Making
New mom at school pickup? Volunteer colleague? Skip superficial questions to ask to get to know someone:
Avoid: "How was your weekend?" (Prompts one-word answers)
Try: "What was the highlight of your weekend?" or "Anything surprise you this week?"
Questions That Kill Conversations (And What To Ask Instead)
Some questions to ask a person to get to know them actively damage rapport. Watch out for:
- The Comparison Trap: "Do you prefer X or Y?" (Forces false choices)
- The Resume Interrogation: Rapid-fired career-history questions
- The Trauma Diver: "What's your worst childhood memory?" (Too much, too soon)
I used to ask "Where did you grow up?" until realizing it makes immigrants and army kids summarize complex histories in seconds. Now I ask "What places shaped who you are?"
FAQs About Getting To Know People
How many questions should I prepare?
Have 3-5 versatile starters in mind – not a script. Conversations aren't checklists. Pay attention to responses and build follow-ups.
What if they give short answers?
Try reflective statements: "Sounds like hiking is therapeutic for you." Often prompts elaboration better than new questions to ask a person to get to know them.
How personal is too personal?
Mirror their disclosure level. If they share surface hobbies, don't ask about divorce history. Watch for discomfort signals: short answers, shifting posture, topic changes.
The Follow-Up Magic Most People Miss
Real connection happens after the initial questions to ask to get to know someone. Try these response tactics:
| When they say... | Don't just ask... | Instead, dig deeper with... |
|---|---|---|
| "I love traveling" | "Where have you been?" | "What feeling do you chase when traveling?" |
| "Work's busy" | "What's keeping you busy?" | "What part of that busyness feels worthwhile?" |
| "I play guitar" | "How long have you played?" | "What does playing give you that nothing else does?" |
Notice how these uncover motivations, not just facts? That's the golden zone.
Listening Techniques That Encourage Sharing
Your body language matters as much as your questions to ask a person to get to know them:
- Lean slightly forward
- Put your phone away (seriously)
- Respond with brief verbal nods ("Absolutely," "That makes sense")
Putting It All Together: A Flexible Framework
Having questions to ask someone to get to know them shouldn't mean rigid interviewing. Use this adaptable flow:
- Observe → Comment ("Love your pin!")
- Ask context opener ("What brings you here?")
- Listen for hooks → Follow up ("You mentioned hiking – is that new?")
- Go deeper ("What do you get from being outdoors?")
- Reciprocate appropriately ("I tried hiking but got poison ivy!")
Good questions to ask a person to get to know them create conversations, not interrogations. The magic happens between the questions.
When Questions Fall Flat: Quick Recovery Tactics
Sometimes even great questions to ask to get to know someone bomb. Maybe they're distracted or just not feeling chatty. Have backup plans:
- Switch to statements: "I'm fascinated by..." instead of "What fascinates you?"
- Offer an out: "Seems like you've had a long day – should we grab water?"
- Use humor: "Well that question crashed harder than my phone!"
I once asked about dream vacations to someone who just lost their job. Whoops. Now I pay closer attention to mood cues.
Your Turn: Practice Makes Connection
Start small tomorrow. With one person, replace "How was your day?" with "What made you smile today?" Notice how the energy shifts. Real connection lives in these moments.
Finding the right questions to ask a person to get to know them isn't about interrogation tactics. It's about unlocking doors to real human moments – like when my barista shared his poetry dreams after I asked about his tattoo. Those moments stick.
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