Let's cut through the noise. Getting over someone ain't about quick fixes or motivational posters. It's messy work. Like cleaning up broken glass with bare hands. One wrong move and you're bleeding again. I learned this the hard way after my 5-year relationship imploded last year. Cried into so much ice cream I should've bought stock in Ben & Jerry's.
What actually works? We'll break it down phase by phase. Not just fluffy advice, but concrete actions. Stuff like when to ditch their hoodie (spoiler: yesterday), how to handle 3am crying jags, and why rebound relationships usually backfire. We'll even cover timeline expectations because let's be real – everyone wants to know "when will this stop hurting?"
The truth? How do you get over someone starts with admitting it's gonna suck before it gets better.
The Gut-Level Realities of Heartbreak
Your brain's literally rewiring itself. Neuroscientists found romantic rejection activates the same regions as physical pain. That's why your chest actually aches. During my worst patch, I swore I had heartburn for two months straight. Turns out it was just grief masquerading as indigestion.
Three things nobody warns you about:
- Memory ambushes: You'll smell their cologne in a crowded elevator and boom – instant time travel to happier days
- Identity erosion: When "partner" was part of your self-concept, losing it feels like amputation
- Secondary losses: Their family, your shared friends, even that stupid coffee shop you always went to
After my breakup, I avoided our favorite sushi spot for 8 months. Walked past it one rainy Tuesday and realized I'd been giving a restaurant power over my emotions. Ordered takeout that night just to reclaim my territory. Tasted like victory (and spicy tuna).
Phase-by-Phase Recovery Roadmap
Survival Mode (Days 1-14)
This is triage. Your only job: basic human functioning. Shower? Optional. Remembering to eat? Achievement unlocked. How do you get over someone in this phase? You don't. You endure.
| Do This | Skip This | Why It Matters |
|---|---|---|
| Set phone boundaries (block if needed) | "Just checking" their social media | Dopamine cravings prolong withdrawal |
| Rotate sleeping spots (couch/guest room) | Sleeping on "their" side of the bed | Breaks sensory associations |
| Delegate one practical task weekly | Isolating completely | Prevents wallowing spiral |
My friend Jake texted his ex "accidentally" three times in week one. We changed her contact name to "DO NOT TEXT" in all caps. Drastic? Maybe. Effective? Absolutely.
Survival isn't pretty. Give yourself permission to be a temporarily dysfunctional human.
Rebuilding Foundations (Weeks 3-12)
Now we patch the holes. Physical symptoms ease but emotional landmines remain. Key focus: identity reconstruction. Who are you without them?
Identity repair kit:
- Routine reset: Alter your daily routes to avoid memory triggers
- Skill revival: Relearn abandoned hobbies (I sucked at guitar but loved re-learning)
- Social shuffling: Temporarily see less mutual friends if they're "update pipelines"
| Progress Sign | Setback Sign |
|---|---|
| Thinking of them less than hourly | Still analyzing last texts daily |
| Making plans beyond next week | Refusing invitations consistently |
| Noticing other attractive people | Comparing everyone to your ex |
Heard a client say recently: "Getting over someone isn't about moving on, it's about moving inward." Took me years to understand that. The relationship space becomes self-discovery territory if you let it.
Practical Tools That Accelerate Healing
Therapy's great if accessible. But what if you're broke or waitlisted? Try these evidence-backed workarounds:
The Touchstone Technique
Choose a small object (stone, coin, keychain). When memories hit, hold it while repeating: "This feeling is temporary." Sounds silly until you try it. The physical anchor interrupts rumination cycles. Did this on subway rides past our old neighborhood. Still keep that smooth river rock in my pocket.
Ambient Grieving
Schedule 15-minute "grief windows" daily. Set a timer. Cry, journal, scream into pillows. When timer dings, resume normal activities. Contains emotional spillage. My 4:30pm crying sessions lasted exactly two months before I started skipping them.
Healing isn't linear. Some days you'll feel cured, then a song plays and you're back at square two. Normal.
The Dirty Little Secret About "Moving On"
Here's what gurus won't tell you: closure is mostly mythical. That conversation you fantasize about? Rarely delivers. We actually create closure through action, not dialogue.
Five unconventional closure tactics:
- Symbolic burning: Write letters then safely burn them (outdoors please!)
- Role reversal : Write an apology letter from them to you
- Future self-dating: Take yourself out with the effort you’d spend on a new partner
I kept his ratty band t-shirt for months claiming "sentimental value." Translation: emotional security blanket. The day I donated it unwashed felt like unlocking an achievement.
FAQs: Real Questions from Real Breakups
How do you get over someone when you work together?
Brutal. Immediate steps: 1) Request desk relocation 2) Use headphones during commute overlap 3) Script neutral responses for unavoidable interactions ("Got it, I'll email the details"). Document any boundary violations with HR immediately.
Can you ever be friends after?
Rarely works before 12-18 months no-contact. Friendship requires emotional neutrality most can't fake early on. Tried at month 6 – disaster. Succeeded at year 3 with clear boundaries.
How long until I stop feeling crazy?
Acute symptoms usually fade in 8-10 weeks. Lingering sadness? Normal for 6-12 months post-long-term relationship. If you're still non-functional after 90 days, seek professional help.
Do rebounds help you get over someone?
Usually delays healing. Creates dopamine hits that mask pain without resolving underlying attachment. Temporary confidence boost, long-term complication. That said – consensual casual sex? Sometimes helpful if you're emotionally grounded enough.
When Professional Help Becomes Non-Negotiable
Certain scenarios require backup:
| Red Flag | Action Step |
|---|---|
| Persistent insomnia (3+ weeks) | Consult primary care physician |
| Weight fluctuation >10% in a month | Nutritionist + therapist combo |
| Self-harm urges/intrusive thoughts | Crisis line immediately |
Medication isn't failure. My SSRI prescription during month two was like putting on glasses after years of blurry vision. Suddenly could implement coping strategies without drowning.
The biggest lie we believe? That getting over someone means erasing them. Truth is, they become like an old scar – visible proof you survived something hard.
Final Reality Check
Learning how do you get over someone isn't about shortcuts. It's excavation work. You'll uncover old wounds you thought were healed. Find strengths you didn't know existed.
Last month, I found a photo from our Costa Rica trip. Felt... nothing but mild nostalgia. Not devastation, not longing. Just acknowledgement that it happened, then moved on to dinner plans. That's the real goal – not amnesia, but peaceful coexistence with the past.
Still hurts sometimes? Sure. But now it's a dull ache, not a knife wound. You'll get there too. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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